What Women Want

When I was younger I used to blog a lot about relationships.  To be honest...I didn't know shit about a relationship.  As a teenager I had this fantasy in my head that everything would work out perfectly.   Boy meets girl.  Boy really likes her.  Ya'll know the rest.  Now that I have a few years at this under my belt I think I can sum up what women want.  A lot of women can't give name to it because they are immature or are so focused on the other meaningless things--money, status, what other people think-- that negate the true desire.  The thing that would fundamentally change the course of a romantic relationship.

Women want to be VALUED.

They want to know that you know that they bring something special to the table.  They want to know that they are different from everyone else.  And while she may know...she NEEDS to hear it from you.  Feeling devalued is an attack on one's self-worth and importance and no matter how confident, independent, and self-sufficient she may be she still wants to know the value she brings to YOU.  Why does she matter? Why her and not anyone else?  If she's fly, she probably already knows that no one else compares but she wants to know that you see this too.  You are not telling her something she does no know, you are just confirming the fact that you both already know to be true.

By design, women are ride-or-die creatures.  We want to stick with you and we are no stranger to challenges or adversity, but its difficult to remain strong and confident through it all, especially in our world of twitter hoes and instagram porn stars who look like Rosa Acosta, work a pole like Maliah, and are trying to bag via direct message.

So validate her.  Make her feel as wanted and as important you think she is.  Even thought she may know it already, it makes all the difference in the world to hear it from you.  Don't get tired of letting her know.
You may feel redundant or repetitive, but don't ever let her forget you see her worth and don't ever let her doubt that you believe she stands out from all the ratchets out there.  It can never to hurt to make it clear to your girl that you appreciate and desire what she is and what she brings. If you can't or if you chose not to, I promise someone else will, gladly.  It does not seem like much, but it truly makes all the difference.

Instagram "Likes"

From now on I'm speaking my truth and owning the outcome.  I stopped writing for awhile because I stopped feeling.  I stopped allowing myself to think about and engage with the raw emotion I used to know and articulate so well.  Well I'm done with that.  I'm done holding my tongue so that I don't offend.   I plan on saying what I want and standing by it.  And I think everyone else should do the same.

It's funny how one "like" on one picture can take right back to my 18 year-old-self on AIM falling right into the same traps.  But that's how I know what I felt was real: the love and the pain.  It's crazy how our emotions can be so powerfully dictated by the actions of others.  An action that was probably meaningless to the other now has me thinking what if.  Asking what if things had gone differently? What if I actually told you what I felt from the beginning?

But I had to go to my old blog.  The one that was driven by the turmoil you caused and reread those posts.  That fiery, raw emotion that dictated my actions and lead to a spiral of poor decisions, self-doubt, and loosing myself.  Then I remember.  Although the memories are fleeting because of all the work I did to permanently remove them from my mind.  Then I get mad.  I want to give you the proverbial middle finger for showing up, out of no where and injecting your poison back into my blood stream, especially knowing what I know now.

My saving grace is that I'm no longer that 18-year-old girl.  I'm grown, 24 to be exact and no longer blinded by all things you.  No longer willing to let the intangible possibility of something lead me down the path of nothing.   So I can smile, laugh, and focus on bigger and better things.

Ohhh Ohhh Trust Issues

Drake said it best.  I always seem to like songs better when they are reflective of an element of my reality.  So yeah I have trust issues. I lost the ability to trust in relationships along time ago, and since then I've worked everyday to feel that confidence. Belief.  Hope.  I just don't know how to get it back.  It just seems like every time some of my emotional novicane starts to wear off or some of the ice thats encapsiling my heart starts to melt, something happens.  I know the feeling all too well.  I can sense it.  I can smell it.  I hits me and instantly I know something isn't right.  I get this feeling and this instinct to prove that intuition wrong.  But it never ends that way.  I've never been wrong, and every time I feel like a giant has kicked me in the stomach with a steel-toe boot.  So how am I supposed to trust? How am I supposed to believe when the future seems bleak.  I forgive but I never forget and apart of each hurt lives on inside of me.  It gets heavy.  Sometimes I feel like I'm going to buckle under the weight, but I keep holding on with the hopes that one day something will change.

Dear Future Husband

I saw Angela Simmons write a similar letter on her blog and I just knew I needed to write one too.  I just have some things to say.


Dear Future Husband,



I'm tough, but just on the outside.  I'm really fragile and I break easily so handle with caution.  Just know that I want to love.  I want to love deeply and recklessly.  My intentions are pure, but I am plagued by the ghosts of love past that have warped and distorted my ability to love.  I carry with me all the hurt and pain from my past that I'm working so hard to let go, but I am a work in progress.  Somewhere along the way I lost the ability to trust.  To hope.  To believe.  and I know this won't help us on our journey, but I need you to help me overcome for us.  We are meant to be and no lie or half-truth of my past will break up that which God has ordained.

I know that love endures all things, so with it between us we will be just fine.  I know that you will love me completely and holistically, unlike those in my past who have loved with their minds for the prize of my body.  We won't be together because it's the easy thing to do we will stay together because of the emotion we both get whenever our eyes meet.  We won't become complacent, but we will always acknowledge and appreciate our love for one another.  There is nothing we can't do.  I believe in us.  I know it won't be a fairy tale but I also know that what we will feel for one another will never be replaced.

You are the only one who understands me. You send me flowers just because it's Tuesday.  You know me better than I know myself.  You see through all my games, facades, and inconsistencies.  You see my potential.  You know what I have the ability to do and who I have the ability to be and you are willing to work to make sure I become this person.  You love me with every fiber of your being, and I, you.  You love me through my hurt, pain, and circumstance.  You are compassionate and understanding.  You are patient.  Your love heals all wounds.    Everything I lack you have and everything you lack I have.  We're a perfect pair.

You put me first.  Well actually I come second only to God.  No one else is as important as our union.  You are faithful and always honest.  You tell me what you think, what you feel, and what I need to hear even if it might not be the easiest for me to confront.  You feel incomplete without me and I feel the same about you.  I want the best for you no matter what.  You have my unwavering support and die hard admiration.  I will love you always and forever.  Whoever you are...




xoxo,



Shaterra

Outsider Looking In

I know this girl.  Her name is Erika (name has been changed to protect the not so innocent), and she talks to me about her relationship all the time (and she doesn't mind that I'm writing about her).  She's in love.  Not the love that sounds nice where all appears to be well. She's in that deep, head over hills, cliche, put up with the stuff that pisses her off type of love.  And he loves her back, but he loves in a different way.  It's not that he loves her any less, his love is just manifested in a different way.  He's affectionate.  Sometimes.  He tells her how he feels.  Sometimes.  He treats her like a princess.  Most of the time.  For the most part she's happy.  She wouldn't trade places with anyone, but like most women there are some things she would tweak, but at least she realizes how good she has it.  She appreciates him and everything he is to her.  But one thing tends to nag and nag and Erika said it's close to eating her alive.  She doesn't want to let it bother her, but it does.

She's dated him for a while and she feels like an outsider looking in on his life when it comes to family.
It's not that she even needs to be included always, but its like she's always kept separate, in her own compartment, and only really brought out when there's no one else around.  And she doesn't think its done on purpose or done maliciously its just done.  She doesn't seem to want much, just to be included.  Maybe it's because she wants a future and a family with this young man or maybe it's because she loves him so much, but no matter what it is she knows that she hates feeling like an outsider.  For once she wants to truly feel apart of him, his family, and the most important aspect of his life.  I want to help her, but I just don't know how...

I Don't Understand Men...and the Choices Some Make So I Have Questions

These are just some questions that I have.  I would truly appreciate an answer.

1.  If you're "happy" with your relationship, why would you make a choice that would make your girl unhappy?

2.  Is it too much to say how you feel?

3.  If you appreciate who you're with, why not show it?

4.  If you feel like you could do so much better, why not stop talking about it and be about it?

5.  If you're in a relationship, why cheat?

6.  Why lie? even about small stuff?

7.  Omitting the truth is lying, no?

8.  Is commitment that scary?

9.  Are you intimidated by intellect?

That's all for now, but I know my list will grow.