From now on I'm speaking my truth and owning the outcome. I stopped writing for awhile because I stopped feeling. I stopped allowing myself to think about and engage with the raw emotion I used to know and articulate so well. Well I'm done with that. I'm done holding my tongue so that I don't offend. I plan on saying what I want and standing by it. And I think everyone else should do the same.
It's funny how one "like" on one picture can take right back to my 18 year-old-self on AIM falling right into the same traps. But that's how I know what I felt was real: the love and the pain. It's crazy how our emotions can be so powerfully dictated by the actions of others. An action that was probably meaningless to the other now has me thinking what if. Asking what if things had gone differently? What if I actually told you what I felt from the beginning?
But I had to go to my old blog. The one that was driven by the turmoil you caused and reread those posts. That fiery, raw emotion that dictated my actions and lead to a spiral of poor decisions, self-doubt, and loosing myself. Then I remember. Although the memories are fleeting because of all the work I did to permanently remove them from my mind. Then I get mad. I want to give you the proverbial middle finger for showing up, out of no where and injecting your poison back into my blood stream, especially knowing what I know now.
My saving grace is that I'm no longer that 18-year-old girl. I'm grown, 24 to be exact and no longer blinded by all things you. No longer willing to let the intangible possibility of something lead me down the path of nothing. So I can smile, laugh, and focus on bigger and better things.