Ohhh Ohhh Trust Issues

Drake said it best.  I always seem to like songs better when they are reflective of an element of my reality.  So yeah I have trust issues. I lost the ability to trust in relationships along time ago, and since then I've worked everyday to feel that confidence. Belief.  Hope.  I just don't know how to get it back.  It just seems like every time some of my emotional novicane starts to wear off or some of the ice thats encapsiling my heart starts to melt, something happens.  I know the feeling all too well.  I can sense it.  I can smell it.  I hits me and instantly I know something isn't right.  I get this feeling and this instinct to prove that intuition wrong.  But it never ends that way.  I've never been wrong, and every time I feel like a giant has kicked me in the stomach with a steel-toe boot.  So how am I supposed to trust? How am I supposed to believe when the future seems bleak.  I forgive but I never forget and apart of each hurt lives on inside of me.  It gets heavy.  Sometimes I feel like I'm going to buckle under the weight, but I keep holding on with the hopes that one day something will change.

Sticks and Stones

Remember when you were little and people always said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." who made that dumb shit up? That is the biggest lie I have ever heard in my life.  I did not believe that when I was little and I still do not believe it now.  I'm a grown lady and words still hurt me.  They cut deeper than almost anything.  Words are powerful.  They hold much meaning and signifigance.  They shape who we are and what we believe to be true, and although we say they do not hurt us: they do. As an adult I still find that my emotions and self-worth are somehow wrapped up in he words of others.  My father always said, "Mean what you say, and say what you mean," so for me it was simple; what someone said was a representation of what they feel and believe.  An outward expression of their core values and innermost thoughts.  In my mind, what you say defines who you are, but what happens when the one closest to you inflicts pain with their words? Or worse, says nothing at all?

My Day in 6 Words 4.17.11

Upsetting. Contemplative. Hard. Quiet. Difficult. Immature.

My Day in 6 Words 3.6.11

Quiet. Contemplative. Reflective. Humbling. Difficult. Rainy.

Joy!

It's the little things...

My Breakthrough

I can't believe I went the entire month of February without a single post.  This past month was a trying one but again I have returned with new lessons and as a stronger person.  I spoke to my grandmother awhile back about why things seem to all go wrong at once.  She brought up the concept of a breakthrough.  Growing up in the church, I always heard people talking about God preparing individuals for something great.  My grandmother talked about things becoming difficult and facing challenges as preparation for something so much bigger than myself.  I didn't know how to feel at first.  I think the difficulties faced started to created this bitter hatred inside of me.  That brought about feelings of inadequacy, jealousy, and disdain towards those who, I can now see, were placed in my life to do good and to change me.  I have been in a low place.  I surrounded myself with negativity which only fueled my downward spiral.  I lost the sense of who I was.  It took a powerful word, The Posture of Expectation, and a joyous occasion with old and new friends for me to really get back to me.  To life.  To love.  And although somethings still seem to be going wrong, I know that I am on the verge of my breakthrough.  I'm at the point were God can really make me and mold me into what I should be, and he has shown me a glimpse of the great things he has in store for my life.

It was about humility.  I had to humble myself and be humbled by my experiences and those around me so that I could be lifted to new levels.  Humility is a a lesson I have continued to be taught (especially in Fall 08/Spring 09).  And I'm still learning.  Except now I am really changing.  I can feel it.  I can see it.  I can even taste it.  I want to be better for myself and for all those around me that God would have me come in contact with.  I have a purpose, and learning humility will only push me closer to my breakthrough.  Please don't get it confused, life is still a struggle but I can now recognize that God has a purpose in all of my struggles.  Everything happens for a reason, and I know that in my case there is a BIG reason coming soon.  I just have to do all I can to make sure that I'm ready!

My Dream Journal

I am a firm believer in the idea that if you write down your dreams and revisit them daily they will become apart of you and God will start to move and manifest himself in miracleous ways.  I'm sooo ready for my breakthrough.  So I'm just gonna list things that I am currently believing God for.  Just a few of my dreams:

1.  Supernatural Debt Cancelation
2.  A Career in Styling and Makeup Artistry
3.  My Perfect Match

Excuse Me While I Speak My Mind...

I feel like I'm the only person reading this.  If I'm not please excuse me while I speak my mind for just a moment.  To protect people, places, and things this will only be sentences that describe situations.  It's so cold in the D was a funny song, but it should have been named it's so cold in the B and there is nothing funny about that.  It's cold and I don't mean the weather.  Maybe it's because I know my position is temporary, but for some reason I can't bring myself to call this place home.  It's like I'm in holding.  I can't go forward.  I can't move back.  Just in frozen.  Locked in a place that does not reflect my wants, my needs, or my goals.  I know I'm blessed to wake up everyday.  I don't take it for granted.  God is truly good, but it's then getting out of bed part that's hard.  It's feeling hopeless and helpless and feeling like the future is bleak.  I've lost my perspective.  I used to be this girl with a plan; I knew where I wanted to go and I could see the steps I would take to get there.  Now I'm just a wanderer hoping to make it from day to day.  What I want for myself no longer seems to matter now that I've signed a contract to "give back."  Honestly, I never considered myself much of a giver, but I did give.  Maybe I felt like I had something to prove of maybe I just was scared to chase what I really wanted, but for some reason I'm here.  Seeking to give.  But I didn't really stop and think all it would take from me.  Who I would become in the process.  I really don't know if I like this person.  I don't know how I feel about this person.  I don't know how I feel about this place.  Physically, mentally, or emotionally.  But here are somethings I do know.  I'm tired of compromising.  I'm sick of discussions and meetings of the mind.  I'm so over talking and discussing.  I just want silence and peace of mind.  I feel like I lost that somewhere along the way.  I'm not me, or maybe this is who I was always meant to be but I don't like it. I'm tired of people challenging my authority and my intelligence.  I've had about enough of grown people with horrible grammar and attitudes that are even worse.  People that know better but don't really care to do better.  Another thing is all those who can tell you how to do but they never did it.  Get serious  about life.  I have to rid myself of some people, places, and things but I just don't know how or when...

My Day in 6 Words 1.12.11

Delayed.  Annoying.  Lonely.  Irritating.  Blessed. Contradictory.

My Day in 6 Words 1.10.11

Rigorous.  Mundane.  Painful.  Loveless.  Void.  Draining.

My Day in 6 Words 1.2.11

Sad.  Bittersweet.  Productive.  Entertaining.  Informative.  Inspiring.

A Day in the Life 12.31.10

Doing what I love with the people I love on the last day of 2010!

Clean Slate

I love the first day of a new year.  It's a clean slate.  No matter what happened before.  No matter how good (or bad) the last year was a new year provides a fresh new beginning.  and I'm all about new beginnings.  I want to be new and different this year, but this is not a resolution its a promise.  A promise that I will change my life for the better and I will start with this clean slate that I have been blessed to receive.  It's a profound gift and I plan to truly take advantage.  Here's to a new you in 2011.  Make your next move your best move...


Shaterra