Back to Me

I'm not who I used to be.  Being in a constant state of unhappiness makes it so that you can't appreciate all the blessings that are apart of your life.  I think I was in that place for so long I had become blinded to how great God was and how much he was doing for me.  At some point I stopped caring about it all.  No one to impress.  Not even caring to impress myself.  I let my happenings destroy my happiness.  I have been going through the motions of life, making stupid decisions, and not living at all.  Just existing.  A shell of my former self and 30 pounds heavier.  I had no will or desire to be a better me.

But I have found that again.  Over the past two weeks I  found my will to fight and I have recommitted myself to my own physical and mental health, happiness, and well-being.  These have been a tough two weeks and I know the third will be even more difficult.  It takes 21 days to form a habit and I'm at day 15.  This time is different.  I want it for ME this time.  Not for someone else or not because society thinks that I should.  My workout routine is in full swing, and so is my WW but I still have to keep winning in the kitchen.  My biggest battle is always food.  Over this past two years I have used it as crutch or a coping mechanism, but thats over now.  Starting with my Jillian Michaels Detox.  Its serious this time.

Just How I'm Feeling at the Time

I haven't posted in a while because I didn't have anything to say.  It's not that I didn't have anything happen I just didn't know how to say it.  It's like I lost my voice, my will, my fight.  My fight made me who I was.  It made me strong and fearless, now I feel like a shell of my former self.  I used to love who I was and celebrate the greatness that was me, but now I feel lackluster and unsure.  I used to be happy.  I'm miles from anyone I love and my heart feels even further.  I just want me back.  The old, carefree me.  The me that could smile and not worry and not work and obsess through all hours of the night.  I'm going to find her and find happy.  No actually I'm going to find joy.  To be happy I have to have something happening.  If I have joy no one can take that away.

Ohhh Ohhh Trust Issues

Drake said it best.  I always seem to like songs better when they are reflective of an element of my reality.  So yeah I have trust issues. I lost the ability to trust in relationships along time ago, and since then I've worked everyday to feel that confidence. Belief.  Hope.  I just don't know how to get it back.  It just seems like every time some of my emotional novicane starts to wear off or some of the ice thats encapsiling my heart starts to melt, something happens.  I know the feeling all too well.  I can sense it.  I can smell it.  I hits me and instantly I know something isn't right.  I get this feeling and this instinct to prove that intuition wrong.  But it never ends that way.  I've never been wrong, and every time I feel like a giant has kicked me in the stomach with a steel-toe boot.  So how am I supposed to trust? How am I supposed to believe when the future seems bleak.  I forgive but I never forget and apart of each hurt lives on inside of me.  It gets heavy.  Sometimes I feel like I'm going to buckle under the weight, but I keep holding on with the hopes that one day something will change.

Sticks and Stones

Remember when you were little and people always said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." who made that dumb shit up? That is the biggest lie I have ever heard in my life.  I did not believe that when I was little and I still do not believe it now.  I'm a grown lady and words still hurt me.  They cut deeper than almost anything.  Words are powerful.  They hold much meaning and signifigance.  They shape who we are and what we believe to be true, and although we say they do not hurt us: they do. As an adult I still find that my emotions and self-worth are somehow wrapped up in he words of others.  My father always said, "Mean what you say, and say what you mean," so for me it was simple; what someone said was a representation of what they feel and believe.  An outward expression of their core values and innermost thoughts.  In my mind, what you say defines who you are, but what happens when the one closest to you inflicts pain with their words? Or worse, says nothing at all?

My Day in 6 Words 4.17.11

Upsetting. Contemplative. Hard. Quiet. Difficult. Immature.

My Day in 6 Words 3.6.11

Quiet. Contemplative. Reflective. Humbling. Difficult. Rainy.

Joy!

It's the little things...