Where Do Broken Hearts Go Redux...

On January 16, 2008 I wrote this...


Quite a few years ago Whitney Houston raised a question that has plagued me for sometime now; where do broken hearts go? I know for a fact that they certainly do not melt away. They are not magically made whole again by another relationship or becoming the object of another's affection. They are not mended with love songs and Ben & Jerry's. And most importantly they cannot be repaired with the manifestation of emotion through sex. Believe me, I speak from experience. Having tried all of the above to no avail. Its like putting a band-aid on a gun shot. These remedies that society, our friends, and our peers tell us that should cure whatever love ailment we have are lies. Blatant and misleading, they are superficial antidotes that really do nothing but leave us living in self-doubt and a relentless pity. We choose to believe a broken heart is like a puzzle that can be simply and perfectly placed back together when it is more like a torn ACL, that takes ages to heal and is never quite as good before. Once it is broken, ones heart is never quite the same. You can never feel as much, never give as much: point blank you will never love the same. Its a difficult concept to grasp, especially while in the crux of the situation. Emotional and subjective a broken heart can be the worst type of pain and one that no pain killer can alleviate. While this may seem clouded with doom and personal recollection, I do have a point; while having your heart broken is painful and lingering, each day it hurts a little less, and the pain becomes manageable. I will not lie and say it goes away because honestly I do not believe that it ever completely does, but it will lessen. But you will relapse. You will hear that song (or songs in my case--a whole iTunes playlist worth) that remind you of him or her. You will pass that movie theater where you went on your first date. You will remember the exact booth you sat in at your first dinner together. You will smell a scent that takes you directly back to the moment when you laid together in perfect peace feeling like you were the only two people in the world. You will remember the touch that sent chills through your body. You will reminisce. You will think of what could have been, what should have been, and you will hold on to the fleeting desire of what still could be. Sadness is inevitable. Remorse is customary. But we must lean into this discomfort and fight through the low moments because they are necessary evils. Sufrir es crecer meaning to suffer is to grow. There is a purpose in the pain. So where do broken hearts go? Honestly, no where. They remain with us forever, and they carry important life lessons that make us stronger and able to withstand much. Just know they never go away: with time what was unbearable becomes more acquiescent.


Today I revisited this idea of the broken heart.  This blog post came from a place of hurt, pain, and suffering but I come today bearing something so necessary: hope.  Almost three years removed I can look back on these times and still tap into that emotion.  A conversation with a very close friend made everything clear; the growth, some regression, and the feeling that reminds you that no matter what, that one individual still holds a place in your heart.  I wrote, "Sufrir es crecer," and I have suffered and grown.  

Hate.

I swear I have to get some of this out of my system before it eats me alive.

I hate being here.  I hate this feeling.  I hate disappointing.  I hate feeling like I have no one.  I hate having to justify my emotions.  I hate having emotions.  I hate being misled.  I hate being controlled.  I hate my anger.  I hate not seeing my mommy.  I hate being an adult.  I hate crying.  I hate when you don't answer my calls.  I hate lies.  I hate ignorance.  I hate isolation.  I hate where I am right now.  I hate that no one understands.  I hate not being trusted.  I hate always being 2nd.  I hate holidays without my family.  I hate that I love more than I love me.  I hate not feeling reciprocity.  I hate hypocrisy.  I hate when you don't keep your promises.  I hate disappointment.  I hate being afraid.  I hate not being able to articulate my feelings.  I hate being jealous.  I hate not trusting more.  I hate not believing.  I hate self-doubt.  I hate pity.  I hate weakness.

Money, Money, MONEY

Excuse me while I speak candidly for a moment.  Recently, after being faced with the hardships and harsh realities of adulthood I realized the importance money can in ones life.  Kanye said it best: "Having money's not everything.  Not having it is."  And as a struggling, young professional in a profession where I am seeking to do good more so than to earn six figures I've run into much opposition.  To understand my current positioning I have to give you some prospective.  I come from a middle class (if that even exists any more...but that's another subject for another time), struggling, black family.  My parents both worked to provide for both me and my brother.  They put us through the best private school St. Louis had to offer with the hopes that one day we would go on to "be and do better than them" as the often put it.  Fast forward about six years, I am in a position where I am on my on.  And for people my age this means very different things.  For some it means parents still pay the rent, but they pay their own cell phone bill, and for those like me it means complete and total self-reliance.  And even in calling home and asking for help I know these attempts could, in most cases, be futile and a burden to my parents and that thought is both terrifying and remarkable at the same time.  It's pushing me to a place where I have never truly been: independence.  Yes a family with money or a history of wealth  would have made my growth, development, and present situation easier, but now that I am truly coming to know struggle I will be all the more prepared and all the more appreciative of success.  Please don't get me wrong.  I'm not saying that success ultimately comes from acquiring money, at least not by my standards.  But I will say that it does make it easier to see those loftier, more expensive dreams to fruition.  In the end,  wealth is of the heart and the mind, not the pocket.  I plan to pursue happiness to satisfy the heart and the mind and if the deep pockets come I will be ready.

Adulthood???

Adulthood is not a game.  The more I experience it the more I come to embrace this realization.  I can see now why Destiny's Child needed someone to put something on their bills.  I am really at a point of indecision.  Actually, the decision has been made for me.  I have been drop kicked into the real world without the safety net of mommy or daddy or anyone: just me and adulthood  Independence in itself is hard but throw in a full-time job and fiscal responsibility and it creates a deadly concoction if one is not prepared.  It's scary.  I'm scared, but determined.  Determined to work hard.  Determined to fulfill my God-given purpose.  Determined to improve my own situation as well as that of all those around me.  I'm ambitious.  I know it, but no one ever changed the world without taking big risk.  I'm up for the challenge.  Stay tuned for the progress...

Loving Me

I'm working on loving me, and it's one of the most difficult things I've ever done.  I was such a pretender.  I was faking it to looking like I was making it, but that was all for show.  I'm really just learning who I am so how could I love someone I didn't even know.  Growing up I was filled with insecurities about my weight and my complexion, and as a young woman I carry the same struggles.  But I want to be different.  I want to look in the mirror everyday and love what I see.  I want to appreciate myself for all the wonderful things that I am instead of reflecting on all the things that I'm not.  Most of all, I want to love me so that I can show love and receive love in a way that I, myself, and others deserve.  The hardest thing is being in and nurturing a relationships when you're not in absolute and complete love with yourself.  I know from experience.  It leads to the manifestation of insecurities and the projection of those same insecurities on your partner, and life becomes a MESS.  And that's exactly what I did.  I made a huge mess of my life and my boyfriends life all because I didn't know me and I definitely didn't love me.  I lived for the love he showed me, and if it did not come exactly when I wanted it and how I wanted it I would question his commitment to me.  But in the end it was me.  It was all me.  I couldn't control my emotions so I played with his.  I did everything in my power to receive love, never realizing the without love for myself everything else would fail.  The road is rough, and I'm far from perfect.  But everyday I grow more and more in love. Yes I have setbacks and days where I wake up unhappy with who I am, but I'm growing and I'm excited for what my future holds.

Basically Me

Just a few things I love:

God. family. JWM. life. breathing. smiles. laughter. fresh sneakers. good movies. sunglasses. traveling. crosses. perfume. Vogue. Kimora Lee. fabulosity. leopard print. pictures. Audrey Hepburn. well-written books. pretty dresses. peppermint and green tea. Temple Football. scented candles. kate spade. positivity. fashion. pillows. Coco Chanel. Starbucks. tattoos. honest. flur-de-lis. Marc by Marc. spontaneity. big risks. big rewards. refinement. 1st impressions. 2nd chances. life discussions. change. growth. progress. self-evaluation. high heels. the good life. realness. Angela Simmons. Nike Dunks. Hello Kitty. The Cardinals. hippie headbands. MAC. Viva La Juicy. love. And the list goes on...

Sometimes we all need to profess our loves.  It reminds us of true happiness, passion, and it gets to the core of who we REALLY are.

Follow Me

...and so my cosmic journey to greatness begins.  Think of this blog as an extension of me.  I consider this my interactive memoir.  You're in luck because the revolution and my evolution will be televised.  I'm so much more than meets the eye with so much to prove.  So here goes nothing...