Saturday, May 29, 2010

Loving Me

I'm working on loving me, and it's one of the most difficult things I've ever done.  I was such a pretender.  I was faking it to looking like I was making it, but that was all for show.  I'm really just learning who I am so how could I love someone I didn't even know.  Growing up I was filled with insecurities about my weight and my complexion, and as a young woman I carry the same struggles.  But I want to be different.  I want to look in the mirror everyday and love what I see.  I want to appreciate myself for all the wonderful things that I am instead of reflecting on all the things that I'm not.  Most of all, I want to love me so that I can show love and receive love in a way that I, myself, and others deserve.  The hardest thing is being in and nurturing a relationships when you're not in absolute and complete love with yourself.  I know from experience.  It leads to the manifestation of insecurities and the projection of those same insecurities on your partner, and life becomes a MESS.  And that's exactly what I did.  I made a huge mess of my life and my boyfriends life all because I didn't know me and I definitely didn't love me.  I lived for the love he showed me, and if it did not come exactly when I wanted it and how I wanted it I would question his commitment to me.  But in the end it was me.  It was all me.  I couldn't control my emotions so I played with his.  I did everything in my power to receive love, never realizing the without love for myself everything else would fail.  The road is rough, and I'm far from perfect.  But everyday I grow more and more in love. Yes I have setbacks and days where I wake up unhappy with who I am, but I'm growing and I'm excited for what my future holds.

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