Saturday, May 29, 2010
I'm working on loving me, and it's one of the most difficult things I've ever done. I was such a pretender. I was faking it to looking like I was making it, but that was all for show. I'm really just learning who I am so how could I love someone I didn't even know. Growing up I was filled with insecurities about my weight and my complexion, and as a young woman I carry the same struggles. But I want to be different. I want to look in the mirror everyday and love what I see. I want to appreciate myself for all the wonderful things that I am instead of reflecting on all the things that I'm not. Most of all, I want to love me so that I can show love and receive love in a way that I, myself, and others deserve. The hardest thing is being in and nurturing a relationships when you're not in absolute and complete love with yourself. I know from experience. It leads to the manifestation of insecurities and the projection of those same insecurities on your partner, and life becomes a MESS. And that's exactly what I did. I made a huge mess of my life and my boyfriends life all because I didn't know me and I definitely didn't love me. I lived for the love he showed me, and if it did not come exactly when I wanted it and how I wanted it I would question his commitment to me. But in the end it was me. It was all me. I couldn't control my emotions so I played with his. I did everything in my power to receive love, never realizing the without love for myself everything else would fail. The road is rough, and I'm far from perfect. But everyday I grow more and more in love. Yes I have setbacks and days where I wake up unhappy with who I am, but I'm growing and I'm excited for what my future holds.