Almost Doesn't Count.

Almost made you love me
Almost made you cry
Almost made you happy, baby
Didn't I didn't I
You almost had me thinkin'
You were turned around
But everybody knows
Almost doesn't count

Almost heard you saying
You were finally free
What was always missing for you, baby
You'd found it in me
But you can't get to heaven
Half off the ground
Everybody knows
Almost doesn't count

I can't keep on lovin' you
One foot outside the door
I hear a funny hesitation
Of a heart that's never really sure
Can't keep on tryin'
If you're looking for more
Than all that I could give you
Than what you came here for

Gonna find me somebody
Not afraid to let go
Want a no doubt be there kind of man
You came real close
But everytime you built me up
You only let me down
And everybody knows
Almost doesn't count

Maybe you'll be sorry
Maybe you'll be cold
Maybe you'll come runnin' back, baby
From the cruel cruel world
Almost convince me
You're gonna stick around
But everybody knows
Almost doesn't count

So maybe I'll be here
Maybe I'll see ya around
That's the way it goes
Almost doesn't count

What Women Want

When I was younger I used to blog a lot about relationships.  To be honest...I didn't know shit about a relationship.  As a teenager I had this fantasy in my head that everything would work out perfectly.   Boy meets girl.  Boy really likes her.  Ya'll know the rest.  Now that I have a few years at this under my belt I think I can sum up what women want.  A lot of women can't give name to it because they are immature or are so focused on the other meaningless things--money, status, what other people think-- that negate the true desire.  The thing that would fundamentally change the course of a romantic relationship.

Women want to be VALUED.

They want to know that you know that they bring something special to the table.  They want to know that they are different from everyone else.  And while she may know...she NEEDS to hear it from you.  Feeling devalued is an attack on one's self-worth and importance and no matter how confident, independent, and self-sufficient she may be she still wants to know the value she brings to YOU.  Why does she matter? Why her and not anyone else?  If she's fly, she probably already knows that no one else compares but she wants to know that you see this too.  You are not telling her something she does no know, you are just confirming the fact that you both already know to be true.

By design, women are ride-or-die creatures.  We want to stick with you and we are no stranger to challenges or adversity, but its difficult to remain strong and confident through it all, especially in our world of twitter hoes and instagram porn stars who look like Rosa Acosta, work a pole like Maliah, and are trying to bag via direct message.

So validate her.  Make her feel as wanted and as important you think she is.  Even thought she may know it already, it makes all the difference in the world to hear it from you.  Don't get tired of letting her know.
You may feel redundant or repetitive, but don't ever let her forget you see her worth and don't ever let her doubt that you believe she stands out from all the ratchets out there.  It can never to hurt to make it clear to your girl that you appreciate and desire what she is and what she brings. If you can't or if you chose not to, I promise someone else will, gladly.  It does not seem like much, but it truly makes all the difference.

Instagram "Likes"

From now on I'm speaking my truth and owning the outcome.  I stopped writing for awhile because I stopped feeling.  I stopped allowing myself to think about and engage with the raw emotion I used to know and articulate so well.  Well I'm done with that.  I'm done holding my tongue so that I don't offend.   I plan on saying what I want and standing by it.  And I think everyone else should do the same.

It's funny how one "like" on one picture can take right back to my 18 year-old-self on AIM falling right into the same traps.  But that's how I know what I felt was real: the love and the pain.  It's crazy how our emotions can be so powerfully dictated by the actions of others.  An action that was probably meaningless to the other now has me thinking what if.  Asking what if things had gone differently? What if I actually told you what I felt from the beginning?

But I had to go to my old blog.  The one that was driven by the turmoil you caused and reread those posts.  That fiery, raw emotion that dictated my actions and lead to a spiral of poor decisions, self-doubt, and loosing myself.  Then I remember.  Although the memories are fleeting because of all the work I did to permanently remove them from my mind.  Then I get mad.  I want to give you the proverbial middle finger for showing up, out of no where and injecting your poison back into my blood stream, especially knowing what I know now.

My saving grace is that I'm no longer that 18-year-old girl.  I'm grown, 24 to be exact and no longer blinded by all things you.  No longer willing to let the intangible possibility of something lead me down the path of nothing.   So I can smile, laugh, and focus on bigger and better things.

I Was Deep...Where Did This Girl Go?

Shaterra Lee

December 1, 2007

Abyss

In the dark mistakes live and linger.

They thrive, survive, and refuse to pass away.

Creeping up slowly we can’t help but recall

all the choices we would rethink;

the insurmountable changes that would have made all the difference.

It is here that all that was hazy is made vibrant.

Illuminated by the stillness, the dark is, too, vibrant

allowing those thoughts we push away to linger.

No matter how much we fight, nothing brings about difference.

So toil and struggle, but it won’t go away.

Instead, choose ignorance as bliss so you won’t have to rethink,

you won’t feel, you won’t breathe, you won’t recall

The desire is to forget and never recall

the messes we’ve made: their memories rich and vibrant.

You want to move forward but before you must rethink

Live in the pain, lean to discomfort, and allow it to linger.

The longer it stays the stronger you become, so let time waste away,

and the more you live the more regret dies; you will know the difference.

But before they vanish, store the lessons, the memories, the difference

so that later you can always recall

necessary evils.  They will serve as your compass to help weed away

and avoid those things that once caused pain, stole what was vibrant

robbed innocence, plagued your psyche, and in your heart did linger.

Believing they aren’t pertinent is a thought one should rethink.

Now I must rethink

how I have allowed my past to haunt my present and evoke difference

in my future.  How I have refused to learn while allowing mistakes to linger.

My inherent flaws and my weak, malleable heart that forgets no person and not an emotion it doesn’t recall.

The choices that robbed, like a thief stealing what was vibrant,

reduced self-esteem, distanced me from my purpose, and drove focus away.

So here in the dark I waste away.

These haunting decisions I rethink.

Internally striving toward an existence clear and vibrant

A life that illuminates to make a difference,

but I’m in holding wanting to press into my future. The past I still recall.

The inseverable connection between the two is now apart of me, so here I linger.

Back to Me

I'm not who I used to be.  Being in a constant state of unhappiness makes it so that you can't appreciate all the blessings that are apart of your life.  I think I was in that place for so long I had become blinded to how great God was and how much he was doing for me.  At some point I stopped caring about it all.  No one to impress.  Not even caring to impress myself.  I let my happenings destroy my happiness.  I have been going through the motions of life, making stupid decisions, and not living at all.  Just existing.  A shell of my former self and 30 pounds heavier.  I had no will or desire to be a better me.

But I have found that again.  Over the past two weeks I  found my will to fight and I have recommitted myself to my own physical and mental health, happiness, and well-being.  These have been a tough two weeks and I know the third will be even more difficult.  It takes 21 days to form a habit and I'm at day 15.  This time is different.  I want it for ME this time.  Not for someone else or not because society thinks that I should.  My workout routine is in full swing, and so is my WW but I still have to keep winning in the kitchen.  My biggest battle is always food.  Over this past two years I have used it as crutch or a coping mechanism, but thats over now.  Starting with my Jillian Michaels Detox.  Its serious this time.

Just How I'm Feeling at the Time

I haven't posted in a while because I didn't have anything to say.  It's not that I didn't have anything happen I just didn't know how to say it.  It's like I lost my voice, my will, my fight.  My fight made me who I was.  It made me strong and fearless, now I feel like a shell of my former self.  I used to love who I was and celebrate the greatness that was me, but now I feel lackluster and unsure.  I used to be happy.  I'm miles from anyone I love and my heart feels even further.  I just want me back.  The old, carefree me.  The me that could smile and not worry and not work and obsess through all hours of the night.  I'm going to find her and find happy.  No actually I'm going to find joy.  To be happy I have to have something happening.  If I have joy no one can take that away.

Ohhh Ohhh Trust Issues

Drake said it best.  I always seem to like songs better when they are reflective of an element of my reality.  So yeah I have trust issues. I lost the ability to trust in relationships along time ago, and since then I've worked everyday to feel that confidence. Belief.  Hope.  I just don't know how to get it back.  It just seems like every time some of my emotional novicane starts to wear off or some of the ice thats encapsiling my heart starts to melt, something happens.  I know the feeling all too well.  I can sense it.  I can smell it.  I hits me and instantly I know something isn't right.  I get this feeling and this instinct to prove that intuition wrong.  But it never ends that way.  I've never been wrong, and every time I feel like a giant has kicked me in the stomach with a steel-toe boot.  So how am I supposed to trust? How am I supposed to believe when the future seems bleak.  I forgive but I never forget and apart of each hurt lives on inside of me.  It gets heavy.  Sometimes I feel like I'm going to buckle under the weight, but I keep holding on with the hopes that one day something will change.