Flaws and All

Dear Future Husband

I saw Angela Simmons write a similar letter on her blog and I just knew I needed to write one too.  I just have some things to say.


Dear Future Husband,



I'm tough, but just on the outside.  I'm really fragile and I break easily so handle with caution.  Just know that I want to love.  I want to love deeply and recklessly.  My intentions are pure, but I am plagued by the ghosts of love past that have warped and distorted my ability to love.  I carry with me all the hurt and pain from my past that I'm working so hard to let go, but I am a work in progress.  Somewhere along the way I lost the ability to trust.  To hope.  To believe.  and I know this won't help us on our journey, but I need you to help me overcome for us.  We are meant to be and no lie or half-truth of my past will break up that which God has ordained.

I know that love endures all things, so with it between us we will be just fine.  I know that you will love me completely and holistically, unlike those in my past who have loved with their minds for the prize of my body.  We won't be together because it's the easy thing to do we will stay together because of the emotion we both get whenever our eyes meet.  We won't become complacent, but we will always acknowledge and appreciate our love for one another.  There is nothing we can't do.  I believe in us.  I know it won't be a fairy tale but I also know that what we will feel for one another will never be replaced.

You are the only one who understands me. You send me flowers just because it's Tuesday.  You know me better than I know myself.  You see through all my games, facades, and inconsistencies.  You see my potential.  You know what I have the ability to do and who I have the ability to be and you are willing to work to make sure I become this person.  You love me with every fiber of your being, and I, you.  You love me through my hurt, pain, and circumstance.  You are compassionate and understanding.  You are patient.  Your love heals all wounds.    Everything I lack you have and everything you lack I have.  We're a perfect pair.

You put me first.  Well actually I come second only to God.  No one else is as important as our union.  You are faithful and always honest.  You tell me what you think, what you feel, and what I need to hear even if it might not be the easiest for me to confront.  You feel incomplete without me and I feel the same about you.  I want the best for you no matter what.  You have my unwavering support and die hard admiration.  I will love you always and forever.  Whoever you are...




xoxo,



Shaterra

My Day in 6 Words 12.28.10

Reminiscent.  Aggravating.  Fulfilling.  Busy.  Love-filled.  Blessed.

A Day in the Life 12.28.10

 I saw my bestie from childhood today.  So happy to catch up.  She's wonderful.  Love her!

Outsider Looking In

I know this girl.  Her name is Erika (name has been changed to protect the not so innocent), and she talks to me about her relationship all the time (and she doesn't mind that I'm writing about her).  She's in love.  Not the love that sounds nice where all appears to be well. She's in that deep, head over hills, cliche, put up with the stuff that pisses her off type of love.  And he loves her back, but he loves in a different way.  It's not that he loves her any less, his love is just manifested in a different way.  He's affectionate.  Sometimes.  He tells her how he feels.  Sometimes.  He treats her like a princess.  Most of the time.  For the most part she's happy.  She wouldn't trade places with anyone, but like most women there are some things she would tweak, but at least she realizes how good she has it.  She appreciates him and everything he is to her.  But one thing tends to nag and nag and Erika said it's close to eating her alive.  She doesn't want to let it bother her, but it does.

She's dated him for a while and she feels like an outsider looking in on his life when it comes to family.
It's not that she even needs to be included always, but its like she's always kept separate, in her own compartment, and only really brought out when there's no one else around.  And she doesn't think its done on purpose or done maliciously its just done.  She doesn't seem to want much, just to be included.  Maybe it's because she wants a future and a family with this young man or maybe it's because she loves him so much, but no matter what it is she knows that she hates feeling like an outsider.  For once she wants to truly feel apart of him, his family, and the most important aspect of his life.  I want to help her, but I just don't know how...

My Day in 6 Words 12.26.10

I feel asleep before I got to do this  so here's my entry for yesterday:

Nostalgic.  Fun.  Aggravating.  Lazy.  Empty.  Contradictory.

A Day in the Life 12.26.10

My photo from Sunday, December 26, 2010.  Me and my grandma.  I love her to pieces (and I did her makeup!)

A Day in the Life 12.25.10

My baby cousin Nyasha at Christmas Dinner.  Love her.  Great Day.

My Day in 6 Words 12.25.10

Celebratory.  Bittersweet.  Fulfilling.  Entertaining.  Relaxing.  Thought-Provoking.

101 Goals in 1,001 Days

So I'm doing it.  All in the name of progress.  I chant this little mantra all the time, "Growth. Not Recession," but when I stop to think about it, what am really doing in order to grow or advance.  In all actuality, nothing.  That stops today.  December 25, 2010.  I am setting 101 goals.  BIG goals.  The will be both ambitious and feasible, and on September 21, 2013 I will be able to say I've accomplished these goals and I will be a change person because of it.  They will be measurable and I will make sure I do so every step of the way so here comes my master list...




101 Goals in 1,001 Days




Health

1. Loose and keep off 20 pounds
2. Run 1 half-marathon
3. Run a mile in under 9 minutes
4. Do less chemical processes to my hair
5. Start wearing my real hair
6. Brush teeth three times a day
7. Upgrade to the Weight Watchers online tracker (Done 1.12.11)

Entertainment


8.  Watch the 100 Best Movies of the Decade
      The Wrestler. Coraline. Shrek. Mean Girls.  Ratatouille. Zodiac. The 40-Year-Old  
      Virgin. Knocked Up. Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story.  Meet the Parents. Superbad.  
      Napoleon Dynamite. Finding Nemo. Superbad. Coraline. Forgetting Sarah Marshall.  Bad Santa.  
9.  Re-read the entire Harry Potter series
10.  Listen to three artists' albums in a genre outside of my comfort zone
11.  Visit the library once a month
12.  Go to a book signing or an author's discussion
13.  Attend 5 Concerts
       1.  Trey Songz 12.14.12
        2.  Rihanna (Coming Soon 5.4.13)
        3.  King Bey (Coming Soon 7.25.13)
        4.  Legends of Summer (Coming Soon 8.5.13)
14.  Sing kararoke at a kararoke bar (Done 1.13.13 w/ my LS on Founder's Day)
15.  Go to a comedy show
16.  Attend two professional football games
        1.  Ravens v. Texans 10.16.11 (Got Field Passes from TFA!)
17.  Attend two professional baseball games (besides the Cardinals)
18.  Attend two professional basketball games
        1.  Game 6 of the NBA Finals in Miami....Amazing! Even though my Heat lost :(
19.  Attend one professional hockey game
20.  Learn to play chess
21.  Learn how to play Madden on PS3 (learned all the basic rules...honing my skills now)
22.  Read Vogue from cover to cover every month
23.  Subscribe to Black Enterprise
24.  See a musical (Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark 1.15.11)
25.  Go to the taping of a show with a live studio audience
26.  Read 19 or more "Must Read" Books (1 per month)
        1.  The Help (LOVE)
        2.  Total Money Makeover 
        3.  The Hunger Games
        4.  Mocking Jay
        5.  Catching Fire

27.  Watch 25 movies from IMDB's top 250 list
        1.  Forest Gump
          2.  Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows Pt. 2
         3.  Lion King
         4.  Some Like it Hot
         5. Mr. Smith Goes to Washington
         6.  Toy Story
         7.  Hotel Rowanda
         8.  The Truman Show
         9.  Ratatouille
       10.  The Help
       11. The Dark Knight Rises


     
Education

28.  Improve my Spanish

29.  Take a beginner French class

30.  Visit 5 museums
         1.  American History Museum to the Kinsey Collection 3.11
         2.  Reginald F. Lewis Museum of Maryland African American History and Culture

31.  Learn about feng shui

32.  Graduate from Johns Hopkins with a MS in Education (May 2012)

33.  Search for doctoral programs

34.  Add a new word to my vocabulary every week

Finances


35.  Save $10,000

36.  Pay off ALL Credit Card Debt

37.  Keep detailed records of finances (Started on www.mint.com 12.31.10 to track)
38.  Establish a 12 month emergency fund
39.  Raise my credit score
40. Get a safety deposit box


Self-Improvement


41.  Take a photography class
42.  Take a cake decorating class

43.  Become a certified makeup artist

44.  Become a licensed cosmetologist

45.  Find a career that evokes passion

46.  Be less negative.  Look at the bright side more often

47.  Complete morning devotion for 10 minutes at least three times a week

48.  Write 10 handwritten letters to people in my life telling them how important they are to me

49.  Find a local church home (New Psalmist Baptist Church! YAY!)

50.  Learn to paint

51.  Learn figure drawing for fashion design

Food


52.  Bake at least once a week
53.  Learn to cook (like really cook)

54.  Try 15 new restaurants 
      Brooklyn Diner- Times Square, sort of small, but good food! 1.15.11
        iCi-Fresh, Seasonal, Local Food in Brooklyn (LOVED IT) 1.16.11
        The View-Rotating Restaurant in Times Square (Great!) 1.16.11
        B.O.P.-Award winning pizza in Fells Point.  Good stuff! 1.28.11
        Atwater's- Fresh food restaurant who's menu changes each day (really good) 2.3.11
        Max Brenner's- Chocolate, Chocolate, CHOCOLATE (LOVEEEE) 2.5.11
        Roscoe's Chicken and Waffle's- It was ok....not all it is hyped to be 2.20.11
        Ms. Shirley's- BOMB.com breakfast food!!! 4.16.11
        The Cup- Not a real restaurant but I just had to include it...Cupcakery in The CWE in    St. Louis...GREAT!!!
       Tortilleria Sinaloa- Restaurant in Fell's Point.  I blindly bought a Groupon...sad I did.  These tacos were  
       fresh but nothing special AT ALL. 5.1.11
       Pappa's Seafood- Best CRABCAKES!!!!!!! 5.5.11
       Chocolatea- A quaint cafe with coffee and tea and good food in Charles Village near Johns Hopkins.  Nice 
       study place w/ free wi-fi too!!
       Chickie & Pete's- Bomb Fries with special seasoning....too good! 5.13.11
       Oybryckys- First experience with actual whole crabs...not too bad! 6.11.11
       Cafe Estelle- Great Breakfast and Brunch in Northern Liberties...a cute section of Philly 7.17.11
       

55.  Take a cooking class

56.  Eat 10 things I've never tried before
        -Sweet Potato Pancakes
        -Lobster Bisque
        -Blue Crab
        -Monkey Bread
        -Philly Cheesesteak
        -Jerk Chicken
        -Fried Plantain
        -Ox Tails
        -Brie
        -Green Beans fresh from the plant 

57. Attend a wine tasting

58.  Make pasta from scratch

Life


59.  Stop all use of swear words and foul language
60. Create a dream journal
61.  Correspond (in some form) with my long distance friends at least once a week 
       (Group Business calls every tuesday!)
62.  Take an all-girls vacation to some beach somewhere
        (Done Florida w/ BBB! 8.12.13!)
63.  Write 8 Chapters of my own book
64.  Create 57 YouTube v-logs
65.  Call my grandmothers once a week
66.  Go to Las Vegas and enjoy Las Vegas
        (Done! 8.19.11 With some of my favorite women! Gotta go again!)
67.  Buy two pair of Christian Louboutins (Done and Done)
68.  Buy property
69.  Send out personalized Christmas Cards
70.  Write personal handwritten Thank You Notes whenever appropriate

71.  Maintain a dream journal for one year

72.  Keep a my day in 6 words journal for one year

73.  Take one picture of something or someone in my life everyday

74.  Watch the sun rise and sun set on the same day

75.  Post on my blog once a week

76.  Buy a digital picture frame

77.  Put fresh flowers in my home at least once a month

78.  Organize my closet

79.  Visit Paris

80.  Get my passport (Got it for my trip to the DR!)

81.  Buy a new macbook and give the old one to my mom (Done January 2012)

82.  Get a professional Massage and Facial (Got the massage for my B-Day 2.9.13 now I just need the facial!)

83.  Fly first class somewhere (Done Punta Cana to Atlanta 1.2.13)

84.  Sew my own pillows and drapes

85.  Complete the 26 things photo shoot

86.  Order personalized stationary (Erincondrin.com love it!)

87.  Create an emergency kit of important documents and keepsakes that can be grabbed quickly

Career


88.  Create 3 products for my beauty line
89.  Take steps to legitimize Beauty and the Chic as a real company
90.  Get my own business cards
91.  Make my company website




For Others


92.  Send 10 just because gifts
93.  Complete 500 hours of community service
94.  Donate on Kiva.com
95.  Help fund a project on Donorschoose.com
96.  Donate 1000 grains of rice to freerice.com (Done 1.23.11---Now Working Toward 10,000)
97.  Discard/Donate 25% of my clothes

98.  Compile a list of important family and friends birthdays (Done 1.1.11)

99.  Mail birthday cards to family and friends

100.  Review/update this list once a month
101.  Make a new list when this one is finished




Here we go...

I Don't Understand Men...and the Choices Some Make So I Have Questions

These are just some questions that I have.  I would truly appreciate an answer.

1.  If you're "happy" with your relationship, why would you make a choice that would make your girl unhappy?

2.  Is it too much to say how you feel?

3.  If you appreciate who you're with, why not show it?

4.  If you feel like you could do so much better, why not stop talking about it and be about it?

5.  If you're in a relationship, why cheat?

6.  Why lie? even about small stuff?

7.  Omitting the truth is lying, no?

8.  Is commitment that scary?

9.  Are you intimidated by intellect?

That's all for now, but I know my list will grow.

The Fine Line Between Selfless and Stupid

In a relationship, we are taught that we should be selfless.  We are told that we should put the other person's needs above our own, but how true could this be?  Selflessness is defined as having, exhibiting, or motivated by no concern for oneself; unselfish.  I understand the unselfish part; the relationship is not one-sided.  It can't always be about me, but I am a firm believer in the idea that no one will treat you better than you treat yourself.  So if I am not motivated by or have no concern for myself, won't other people be so inclined to do the same, especially those who have not bought into this selflessness idea?  When you're in love, you seek to support, uplift, and upgrade the one that you're with (or at least I do) and AT TIMES selflessness is necessary.  A lot of the time to cross the fine line between selfless and stupid and our relationship choices our inability to  Let me provide a few examples.


You give and give and give (emotionally and physically) and your boyfriend or girlfriend never seem to give anything back to you: STUPID


You are always the one to make a sacrifice and your significant other always has an excuse about why they can't: STUPID


You know you would do anything for the one you're with, but somehow you're not quite sure that they feel the same way: STUPID


Selflessness can sometimes get you assed out and misused so I would say this, err on the side of caution.  Don't be afraid to show who you are and give freely of yourself, but you can never loose sight of who you are for the happiness of someone else.  If you are not met with the same 100% that you're giving, that's a recipe for disaster.  The bible talks about mates being "equally yoked" and this also rings true with way we give in relationships.  One partner cannot be expected to always be there if there is no expectation of reciprocity.  


Just some thoughts.  How I'm feeling at the time. 

Where Do Broken Hearts Go Redux...

On January 16, 2008 I wrote this...


Quite a few years ago Whitney Houston raised a question that has plagued me for sometime now; where do broken hearts go? I know for a fact that they certainly do not melt away. They are not magically made whole again by another relationship or becoming the object of another's affection. They are not mended with love songs and Ben & Jerry's. And most importantly they cannot be repaired with the manifestation of emotion through sex. Believe me, I speak from experience. Having tried all of the above to no avail. Its like putting a band-aid on a gun shot. These remedies that society, our friends, and our peers tell us that should cure whatever love ailment we have are lies. Blatant and misleading, they are superficial antidotes that really do nothing but leave us living in self-doubt and a relentless pity. We choose to believe a broken heart is like a puzzle that can be simply and perfectly placed back together when it is more like a torn ACL, that takes ages to heal and is never quite as good before. Once it is broken, ones heart is never quite the same. You can never feel as much, never give as much: point blank you will never love the same. Its a difficult concept to grasp, especially while in the crux of the situation. Emotional and subjective a broken heart can be the worst type of pain and one that no pain killer can alleviate. While this may seem clouded with doom and personal recollection, I do have a point; while having your heart broken is painful and lingering, each day it hurts a little less, and the pain becomes manageable. I will not lie and say it goes away because honestly I do not believe that it ever completely does, but it will lessen. But you will relapse. You will hear that song (or songs in my case--a whole iTunes playlist worth) that remind you of him or her. You will pass that movie theater where you went on your first date. You will remember the exact booth you sat in at your first dinner together. You will smell a scent that takes you directly back to the moment when you laid together in perfect peace feeling like you were the only two people in the world. You will remember the touch that sent chills through your body. You will reminisce. You will think of what could have been, what should have been, and you will hold on to the fleeting desire of what still could be. Sadness is inevitable. Remorse is customary. But we must lean into this discomfort and fight through the low moments because they are necessary evils. Sufrir es crecer meaning to suffer is to grow. There is a purpose in the pain. So where do broken hearts go? Honestly, no where. They remain with us forever, and they carry important life lessons that make us stronger and able to withstand much. Just know they never go away: with time what was unbearable becomes more acquiescent.


Today I revisited this idea of the broken heart.  This blog post came from a place of hurt, pain, and suffering but I come today bearing something so necessary: hope.  Almost three years removed I can look back on these times and still tap into that emotion.  A conversation with a very close friend made everything clear; the growth, some regression, and the feeling that reminds you that no matter what, that one individual still holds a place in your heart.  I wrote, "Sufrir es crecer," and I have suffered and grown.  

Hate.

I swear I have to get some of this out of my system before it eats me alive.

I hate being here.  I hate this feeling.  I hate disappointing.  I hate feeling like I have no one.  I hate having to justify my emotions.  I hate having emotions.  I hate being misled.  I hate being controlled.  I hate my anger.  I hate not seeing my mommy.  I hate being an adult.  I hate crying.  I hate when you don't answer my calls.  I hate lies.  I hate ignorance.  I hate isolation.  I hate where I am right now.  I hate that no one understands.  I hate not being trusted.  I hate always being 2nd.  I hate holidays without my family.  I hate that I love more than I love me.  I hate not feeling reciprocity.  I hate hypocrisy.  I hate when you don't keep your promises.  I hate disappointment.  I hate being afraid.  I hate not being able to articulate my feelings.  I hate being jealous.  I hate not trusting more.  I hate not believing.  I hate self-doubt.  I hate pity.  I hate weakness.

Money, Money, MONEY

Excuse me while I speak candidly for a moment.  Recently, after being faced with the hardships and harsh realities of adulthood I realized the importance money can in ones life.  Kanye said it best: "Having money's not everything.  Not having it is."  And as a struggling, young professional in a profession where I am seeking to do good more so than to earn six figures I've run into much opposition.  To understand my current positioning I have to give you some prospective.  I come from a middle class (if that even exists any more...but that's another subject for another time), struggling, black family.  My parents both worked to provide for both me and my brother.  They put us through the best private school St. Louis had to offer with the hopes that one day we would go on to "be and do better than them" as the often put it.  Fast forward about six years, I am in a position where I am on my on.  And for people my age this means very different things.  For some it means parents still pay the rent, but they pay their own cell phone bill, and for those like me it means complete and total self-reliance.  And even in calling home and asking for help I know these attempts could, in most cases, be futile and a burden to my parents and that thought is both terrifying and remarkable at the same time.  It's pushing me to a place where I have never truly been: independence.  Yes a family with money or a history of wealth  would have made my growth, development, and present situation easier, but now that I am truly coming to know struggle I will be all the more prepared and all the more appreciative of success.  Please don't get me wrong.  I'm not saying that success ultimately comes from acquiring money, at least not by my standards.  But I will say that it does make it easier to see those loftier, more expensive dreams to fruition.  In the end,  wealth is of the heart and the mind, not the pocket.  I plan to pursue happiness to satisfy the heart and the mind and if the deep pockets come I will be ready.

Adulthood???

Adulthood is not a game.  The more I experience it the more I come to embrace this realization.  I can see now why Destiny's Child needed someone to put something on their bills.  I am really at a point of indecision.  Actually, the decision has been made for me.  I have been drop kicked into the real world without the safety net of mommy or daddy or anyone: just me and adulthood  Independence in itself is hard but throw in a full-time job and fiscal responsibility and it creates a deadly concoction if one is not prepared.  It's scary.  I'm scared, but determined.  Determined to work hard.  Determined to fulfill my God-given purpose.  Determined to improve my own situation as well as that of all those around me.  I'm ambitious.  I know it, but no one ever changed the world without taking big risk.  I'm up for the challenge.  Stay tuned for the progress...

Loving Me

I'm working on loving me, and it's one of the most difficult things I've ever done.  I was such a pretender.  I was faking it to looking like I was making it, but that was all for show.  I'm really just learning who I am so how could I love someone I didn't even know.  Growing up I was filled with insecurities about my weight and my complexion, and as a young woman I carry the same struggles.  But I want to be different.  I want to look in the mirror everyday and love what I see.  I want to appreciate myself for all the wonderful things that I am instead of reflecting on all the things that I'm not.  Most of all, I want to love me so that I can show love and receive love in a way that I, myself, and others deserve.  The hardest thing is being in and nurturing a relationships when you're not in absolute and complete love with yourself.  I know from experience.  It leads to the manifestation of insecurities and the projection of those same insecurities on your partner, and life becomes a MESS.  And that's exactly what I did.  I made a huge mess of my life and my boyfriends life all because I didn't know me and I definitely didn't love me.  I lived for the love he showed me, and if it did not come exactly when I wanted it and how I wanted it I would question his commitment to me.  But in the end it was me.  It was all me.  I couldn't control my emotions so I played with his.  I did everything in my power to receive love, never realizing the without love for myself everything else would fail.  The road is rough, and I'm far from perfect.  But everyday I grow more and more in love. Yes I have setbacks and days where I wake up unhappy with who I am, but I'm growing and I'm excited for what my future holds.

Basically Me

Just a few things I love:

God. family. JWM. life. breathing. smiles. laughter. fresh sneakers. good movies. sunglasses. traveling. crosses. perfume. Vogue. Kimora Lee. fabulosity. leopard print. pictures. Audrey Hepburn. well-written books. pretty dresses. peppermint and green tea. Temple Football. scented candles. kate spade. positivity. fashion. pillows. Coco Chanel. Starbucks. tattoos. honest. flur-de-lis. Marc by Marc. spontaneity. big risks. big rewards. refinement. 1st impressions. 2nd chances. life discussions. change. growth. progress. self-evaluation. high heels. the good life. realness. Angela Simmons. Nike Dunks. Hello Kitty. The Cardinals. hippie headbands. MAC. Viva La Juicy. love. And the list goes on...

Sometimes we all need to profess our loves.  It reminds us of true happiness, passion, and it gets to the core of who we REALLY are.

Follow Me

...and so my cosmic journey to greatness begins.  Think of this blog as an extension of me.  I consider this my interactive memoir.  You're in luck because the revolution and my evolution will be televised.  I'm so much more than meets the eye with so much to prove.  So here goes nothing...