Back to Me

I'm not who I used to be.  Being in a constant state of unhappiness makes it so that you can't appreciate all the blessings that are apart of your life.  I think I was in that place for so long I had become blinded to how great God was and how much he was doing for me.  At some point I stopped caring about it all.  No one to impress.  Not even caring to impress myself.  I let my happenings destroy my happiness.  I have been going through the motions of life, making stupid decisions, and not living at all.  Just existing.  A shell of my former self and 30 pounds heavier.  I had no will or desire to be a better me.

But I have found that again.  Over the past two weeks I  found my will to fight and I have recommitted myself to my own physical and mental health, happiness, and well-being.  These have been a tough two weeks and I know the third will be even more difficult.  It takes 21 days to form a habit and I'm at day 15.  This time is different.  I want it for ME this time.  Not for someone else or not because society thinks that I should.  My workout routine is in full swing, and so is my WW but I still have to keep winning in the kitchen.  My biggest battle is always food.  Over this past two years I have used it as crutch or a coping mechanism, but thats over now.  Starting with my Jillian Michaels Detox.  Its serious this time.

Just How I'm Feeling at the Time

I haven't posted in a while because I didn't have anything to say.  It's not that I didn't have anything happen I just didn't know how to say it.  It's like I lost my voice, my will, my fight.  My fight made me who I was.  It made me strong and fearless, now I feel like a shell of my former self.  I used to love who I was and celebrate the greatness that was me, but now I feel lackluster and unsure.  I used to be happy.  I'm miles from anyone I love and my heart feels even further.  I just want me back.  The old, carefree me.  The me that could smile and not worry and not work and obsess through all hours of the night.  I'm going to find her and find happy.  No actually I'm going to find joy.  To be happy I have to have something happening.  If I have joy no one can take that away.